Frame it with Gratitude

by James Baraz, Winter Keynote speaker

from Awakening Joy: 10 Steps to Happiness by James Baraz and Shoshana Alexander

Last year I was in Los Angeles visiting my then 89-year-old mother. I happened to bring with me a copy of Greater Good magazine, a journal that reports the latest research on altruism and well-being. This particular issue focused on studies showing the beneficial effects of gratitude. As we sat at the dining room table eating the special eggplant dish my mother always makes for me, I showed her some of the findings. One article revealed that those who kept a gratitude journal reported feeling, in comparison to those who didn’t, more joyful, enthusiastic, interested, attentive and determined. Other articles talked about research that demonstrated the power of gratitude to improve physical health, increase energy levels and even provide relief from pain and fatigue. 

My mother said she was impressed by the reports, but admitted she had a lifetime habit of looking at the glass half empty. “I know I’m very fortunate and have so many things to be thankful for, but little things just set me off.” She said she wished she could change the habit, but she was skeptical. “I’m just more used to seeing what’s going wrong,” she concluded. After dinner we broke out the Scrabble set, as we often do. (She’s a terrific player and derives great joy from trouncing her poor son!) Our conversation continued as the lines of tiles filled the board. 

“You know, Mom, the key to gratitude is really in the way we frame a situation,” I began. “For instance, suppose all of a sudden your television isn’t getting good reception.” 

“That’s a scenario I can relate to,” she agreed. 

“One way to describe your experience would be to say, “This is so annoying I could scream!’ Or you could say, “This is so annoying. . . and my life is really very blessed.’” She agreed that could make a big difference. 

“But I don’t think I can remember to do that,” she sighed.

So together we made up a gratitude game to remind her. Each time she complained about something, I would simply say “and…” to which she would respond “and my life is very blessed.” I was elated to see that she was willing to try it out. Over the next few days, as the complaints rolled off her tongue, we had many chances to play our little game. Each time she dutifully gave her agreed-upon reply, we both chuckled. Although it had started out as just a fun game, after a while it began to have some real impact. Her mood grew brighter as our week became filled with gratitude and a genuine good time.

After I got home I called my mother a lot during the first few days to support her in keeping her gratitude practice alive. Miraculously she kept at it, and the new habit took hold. My sister, who had been away, called me when she got back. “What did you do to Mom?!” she asked.

To my delight and amazement, my mother has stuck with it, and the change has been revolutionary. Seven months after my visit, she sent a card for my birthday. It contained a poem, as it often does, and this one I especially cherish. Even though she had started losing her sight during that time, the effects of her gratitude practice are evident in this poignant excerpt:

Ninety is just fine with me, I no longer rant and rave
About where the world is heading and my exclusive job to save.
I wallow in contentment and know that I am blessed
Awakening to the joy of living at its best.
I’m happier than I’ve ever been and truly mean each word.
The thoughts that caused the worries now all seem so absurd.
Though my eyesight has been dimmed I see clearer than before,
The glass is not half empty, it’s overflowing to be sure.

This goes to show you can teach an elder human new tricks! Maybe my 90-year-old mother can inspire you to remember in the midst of life’s little hassles that your life too is really very blessed.

Practice:
Each time you find yourself worrying or complaining, try adding on that little phrase. Even if it seems false at first, let yourself play with it and see what happens. You might find it helpful to enroll an ally to keep you on track-- your partner, child, or Joy Buddy. Remember you're in a learning process. Be patient with yourself. Every time you succeed in shifting your outlook to a more relaxed sense of gratitude, tune in to how good you feel, and pause to anchor that in your body and mind.