Just Say No

by Corrie James

Take a moment to imagine a yard, perhaps your own. What is your yard filled with? Flowers, playsets, beautiful green grass, pets roaming freely, perhaps even an entryway to your home? Now imagine a fence surrounding the yard. The fence surrounds everything within, providing protection from the external. As walls for your property, the fence communicates your borders to others but has a gate that allows you to let others in or out. You determine the height, size and materials from which it is constructed.

I liken a fenced yard to the practice of setting boundaries because much like we do for our homes and yards, we must do the same for our personal lives to preserve our energy, love, authenticity and health. "Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. They are a crucial aspect of mental health and provide a necessary foundation for every relationship we have (whether it be romantic, professional, family or friendships)." - Abby Rawlinson

(my story)

Yes! Yes is the magic word. For me it's always been magic. It was magic because it eliminated fear. Magic because it eliminated conflict. Magic because it invited acceptance. The word was magic because it made everyone happy; except me... People seemed happy when I said yes. It made me feel valued and accepted during my adolescence and other times when I thought I needed it most. It helped me to climb the corporate ladder. It kept the peace in my social circles. While doing all of those things, it also left me depleted.

Now at age 45, I have discovered the magic and power of the word 'No' as I navigate a storm of anxiety, depression and burnout. I am learning how to say no and mean it, without guilt. I am finally learning, understanding and actively practicing setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in all aspects of my life. I now understand that the negative connotation I've associated with setting boundaries all of my life is imagined. A life without boundaries is a life of fear and chaos and one lacking full authenticity. That's not what I want.

4 distinct practices have helped me to strengthen my 'No' muscle. While setting boundaries extends well beyond just saying no, it's where I started. The journey has been rewarding, though not easy.

Honoring My Feelings - Feelings for me are akin to the warning lights in an automobile. Each warning light provides information, some of which require action. When the check engine light illuminates, a repair person plugs the car into a computer to understand the root cause which informs the remedy. I am now doing the same with my feelings. While not as cut and dry, I recognize that my feelings are bits of information my body provides and my job is to both honor and understand what they mean, not question, ignore or second guess them.

Take Time - Rather than immediately saying yes, I pause and think or take whatever time is needed for me to respond authentically, without fear or guilt. This can be hours, days, weeks or months.

Meditation & Breathing helps me to connect with my feelings in such a way that I gain clarity regarding their meaning which drives me to action. These exercises also help me to understand if my boundary is fear driven and provides data to correct course.

Positive Reinforcement - I've taken the practice of building awareness around setting boundaries which allows me to positively reinforce the growth I've experienced. When saying no or setting a boundary, I am able to see that the world didn't end, loved ones on the other side are okay and I have a greater sense of happiness and ownership/control in my own life. I pat myself on the back, celebrate with a plant based ice cream or a short journal/note to myself recognizing the act. For me this eliminates the guilt that I've experienced most of my life when setting a boundary. I am now in a space where setting a boundary makes me feel proud; a polar opposite to guilt.

For me, the goal has been to increase control and balance in my life, by learning to comfortably say no and mean it — instead of overcommitting my resources such as time, energy, and finances. I am happier, more accepting and have a deeper understanding of myself as I continue to relieve myself of the burden of the happiness of everyone else. Doing so allows me and the various facets of my life to thrive.

"Boundaries are basically about providing structure, and structure is essential in building anything that thrives." - Henry Cloud