The Expectations Trap
We all have dreams, hopes, aspirations, preferences. They help sustain life and motivate us to thrive despite “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” as Shakespeare observed. I have noticed, however, that when I consciously or unconsciously transform these desires into concrete expectations, suffering often arises - especially when those expectations prove to be unrealistic. Some wisdom teachers have commented that a good working definition of expectations is “planned disappointment”.
At a basic level, we are unhappy when our expectations of reality exceed our experience of reality. Expectations are often an idealized vision of how things “should be” in the past, present or future. They might involve our own actions and achievements, the speed of traffic, the fairness of life, or the weather for an outdoor concert. In my case, though, I have observed that the most precarious expectations relate to the actions, responses or perceptions of other people. When I set up some preordained manner in which my wife, son, friend, or even a stranger should behave, discord and resentment often arise and unhappiness intervenes.
I vividly recollect such self-imposed suffering when I was a young father returning home after a long workday to my wife and boys. As I pulled into the driveway, I created in my mind’s eye an idyllic scene right out of “Leave It to Beaver” with my joyful and energized wife greeting me at the front door, excited to see me and my two sons running towards me endearingly exclaiming “Daddy's home !”. There was some inherent sense that I deserved as much after toiling dutifully for my family. And of course, it was all about me. Unfortunately, reality intervened - I opened the door to an exhausted and melancholy spouse sobbing about a difficult call with her mother and two boys brawling over a Power Rangers toy. Rather than offer compassion and understanding to my loved ones, I marinated for the rest of the night in my disappointment and resentment that the scene did not unfold as I envisioned it.
Expectations are almost always the result of what in Buddhism is called “wanting mind”. The wanting mind creates an illusion of solidity and control in a world that is constantly changing and unpredictable. The wanting mind is also inflamed by our culture’s pervasive marketing, social media and competitive gestalt. Some observe that expectation is the root of unhappiness, but perhaps it is more accurate to note that it is not the expectation - since that is kindred to our hopes and dreams - but the attachment to an expectation that actually causes the suffering. Expectations can be insidious in that our attachment to them sometimes causes us to persist in maintaining them even after we have clear evidence that they are unfounded. This is what some call the tyranny of expectations, and there are myriad ways in which this tyranny can undermine our lives and relationships.
It is important to note the distinction between expectations and possibilities. Possibilities exist in the present and offer freedom to choose; they enliven and enrich our lives. On the other hand, expectations assume a specific result and are future-based. They restrict options, impede imagination and blind us to possibilities. They hold our present well-being hostage to a future that may or may not happen.
What strikes me is how insidious and stealthy expectations are. We hardly notice them most of the time despite the fact that they generate substantial suffering. Sometimes we might observe the big ones, but there are myriad smaller ones we never notice at all. It is only when we feel acute disappointment that we have any awareness that we have been captured by the tyranny of expectations. But for each of these moments of disappointment, we have likely experienced hours of impatience, tension and discouragement.
It is unlikely that any of us will eradicate expectations from our lives, but we can strive to liberate ourselves from the tyranny of expectations by developing the skill to observe them as they arise and then let go of them - as Sharon Salzberg describes : “just starting over”. When we awaken to the fact that we are creating a scenario in our mind about “how things will be” or “how she should respond” or “what I deserve”, we can see that we are caught by the expectations, recognize the suffering they generate, and release them to the extent we are capable. Then we are propelled by our values rather than living for a particular result or attached to a specific outcome. We allow life to emerge in the manner described by poet John O’Donohue : “I would love to live like a river flows - carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.”
Sincerely,
Aubrey
Past Board President