Letting Go of the Illusion of Control
by Ryann Lofchie
Before I joined The Innerwork Center as the Programs Director, I was a CEO of a boutique consulting company. I’ve always straddled worlds: the world full of ambitious overachievers and the other world some might dismissively refer to as “woo”, in other words, deeply spiritual with a touch of mysticism mixed in for good measure. It’s not easy to flow between these two, as the venn diagram of these two circles barely overlaps - both cultures feeling like the other is deeply flawed, difficult to understand, and easy to disregard.
I discovered a mental health hack that helped me cope with the stress of being a CEO: the silent retreat. It was the one thing that helped me stay grounded, balanced, and refreshed, and I started attending one every year. It wasn’t uncommon for me to leave the world of “talking people” behind for 10 days at a time, meditating, journaling, eating vegan food, doing yoga, hiking in the mountains, and sitting outdoors in awe of the natural world. I know there are Silicon Valley CEOs that ascribe to such practices, but here in Central Virginia, most executives I know are more excited to attend NASCAR races or poker nights than do anything contemplative. It is safe to say I was viewed as “very weird” by most of my professional peers.
A few days following one of these retreats, I attended a CEO roundtable, where a group of CEOs gathered, led by a facilitator, to learn from one another, share personal reflections, and brainstorm business solutions. Each of these roundtable meetings started with a check-in: an update about your business, how you’re feeling, etc. When it was my turn, I shared an insight that I landed deeply for me during my recent time in silence. I started my share by saying “I’ve realized…I don’t really control anything.” I paused and looked around, my peers’ faces were blank. I continued: “All I can control is how I show up. I can influence other people, I can set policy and decide the process, but otherwise, I can’t actually make anything happen, it’s up to others to choose how they are going to respond. I can’t force anyone to do anything”. My peers audibly gasped.
(Now I realize, dear reader, since you’re a member of the IWC community, this insight might strike you as totally obvious. I can see that now. But in CEO land - the world of strivers, this was pure blasphemy.)
The facilitator stopped me from talking in order to stage an intervention, soliciting feedback from the group as if I had completely lost my mind. My peers proceeded to tell me they were worried about my attitude, that I wasn’t going to be an effective leader, I’d lost focus, my business would suffer. The discomfort with what I was sharing was so great they had to push it away, to tell me I was wrong instead of contemplating it for themselves.
It’s amazing to me how closely we cling to the illusion of control and how uncomfortable we are with uncertainty. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a world class overthinker, I suffer from anxiety, and I wrestle with even the smallest decisions, trying desperately to always “make the right choice”. It's not as if I’ve thrown my whole life over to The Universe to guide me. But once I was willing to look closely at my desire to control, I realized what a futile exercise it was. It wasn’t honoring other people’s agency, it wasn’t allowing space for alternative (potentially way better!) outcomes, it was quite simply an emotional investment that had a negative payoff. Because even as gently as we might try to control an outcome, it is still grounded in coercion, manipulation, and self-centeredness.
“So then what?” you might ask. What happens once we see the Truth of the scope of our ability to control? To me, it comes down to cultivating two practices: non-attachment and alignment.
Non-attachment, put most simply, is the letting go of attachment to certain outcomes. You do your part - and the rest is out of your hands. It creates space for allowing, beauty, love, trust, heartbreak, error, mystery, and grace. Non-attachment is not an excuse to take less responsibility or ownership of your part, it doesn’t let you off the hook, it just demands you find more resiliency within yourself to stay present as things unfold, regardless of how they unfold.
Alignment calls for doing the work to identify, and behave in accordance to your values. Just like practicing non-attachment, doing the self discovery work to know who you are and what you truly stand for is hard work. But the payoff is the confidence you gain - you can stand firm in your decisions, spoken words, actions, and even how you spend your time and money. This provides a firm foundation - the stability to allow life to unfold in response. It’s not the same as certainty, but it’s more grounded in reality, respect, and honor. It also leaves space for things to turn out better than you ever could have imagined.
If this post is resonating with you and you’d like to explore some approaches to considering life’s biggest challenges, join us for our Fall Keynote with Dr. Jill Carroll.