A Letter to My Missing Piece
Dear Pleasure,
I know you left because I was emotionally neglected. What I thought and felt wasn’t a concern to anyone. I was scared, anxious, and overwhelmed and no one checked to see if I was okay. I was taught to mask my feelings by “fixing my face” when I was upset around others. I wasn’t allowed to feel unpleasant things.
I know that’s why you left, Pleasure…because I stopped feeling. I didn’t know I was supposed to experience feelings in my body. I didn’t know the feelings stayed in my body all this time. All the fear and anxiety took up all the space and made all the decisions in my life, without my consent.
It is now safe for you to return because I am healing. I’ve been using mindfulness, especially shaking, to feel again. I realized the trauma of being emotionally neglected has been disabling me from living a whole life. I couldn’t express myself, what I like and don’t like. It is hard to take accountability for my actions and mistakes. I keep believing that my thoughts and wants don’t matter. Creating deep meaningful relationships has been a challenge for me since I can remember, I just can’t seem to get it right. I’ve spent a lot of time alone. I learned I had to stop minimizing the experience of emotional neglect and accept that the people I love also hurt me. Through that acceptance, I’ve started healing. In my healing, I’m choosing to feel all of my feelings.
I promise to make sure it stays safe by accepting and loving myself. To cope with neglect, I didn’t allow my feelings to take their time. I pushed them down and away because no one cared, no one had time. Well now, I care. Now I’m going to take the time. I want to learn the language of my body. I want to pay attention to how my body feels, the quality of my thoughts, and the state of my heart. Accepting and loving myself allows me to feel all of my feelings. It's safe because I can move with clarity and awareness.
I miss you and I need you in my life because I deserve to feel you, Pleasure. I want you to be a common sensation in my body. I’m going to seek you out and look for you in all the spaces of my life. I going to feel you through relationships and experiences and curiosity. I want others to feel you through me and my self-expression. I want my experience of you to be a driver of my imagination and art creation. I need you in my life because wholly experiencing pleasure is an act of resistance. I want to be an example of all that pleasure has to offer us as human beings.
Please return so I can be whole.
Love, Rachael
Dear Rachael,
Thank you for healing.
I’ve watched the way fear has twisted and veiled your experience of me.
Your expressed desire for more of me is moving.
I want you to know I’ve never left you.
Just as fear and anxiety have stayed inside of you, I too am waiting for you.
Look back over your life --
Think of all the times you gave an enthusiastic “YES”.
Think of the times you did something you liked more than once.
Think of eating rich dark chocolate.
Think of a refreshing rain
Or when it snows and your neighborhood is quiet and still.
Think of the ease and comfort you’ve experienced with your partner
I am all over!
I agree we deserve each other.
For so long, I’ve wanted permission to take up more space in your body and mind and heart and your community
I can’t wait to see and be with you. I can’t wait to see what we do together.
Affectionately yours,
Pleasure
Inspired by the expressive therapist activity “Missing Piece”
About Rachael
Rachael Randall grew up in Omaha, Nebraska, as a “perk” of being in a military family. Rachael received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from the University of Nebraska-Omaha in 2013 and began working with youth and families in mental health. In 2014, Rachael moved to Richmond for no particular reason other than to be somewhere new. In 2019, Rachael received a Master’s in Social Work from VCU, igniting a passion in social justice and organization development. During this time, Rachael began facilitating conflict resolution workshops, engaging with communities, community building, and working collaboratively with organizations and people around Richmond. Rachael has also received training in a restorative justice and transformative practice called circle process with Kay Pranis. Rachael brings many skills from working with youth and families, facilitating workshops, organizing events, program planning, and engaging with communities. Rachael is a consultant at The Spark Mill working to help leaders and groups find the tools to have difficult conversations that lead to diversity, belonging and creativity. Rachael identifies as a black, female, millennial, cat lover, extrovert, know-it-all (that's learning to be more curious), and social justice warrior, who values love, authenticity, and connection.