Ambiguous Loss
By: Vicki Saunders
Ambiguous loss. I had never heard the term before, but I knew that was exactly how I have been feeling! That’s it! I heard it on a podcast (I’ve been listening to a lot of those lately) from Esther Perel and Dan Harris (two of my favorite podcasters).
The term comes from Dr. Pauline Boss, a scientist-practitioner, family therapist, and educator who has done groundbreaking research on unresolved grief and developed the theory of ambiguous loss. She recognizes two types of loss. The first is when a person is physically present but emotionally and psychologically absent. Alzheimer’s patients are examples of this type of loss. The second type is when the person is physically gone but emotionally and psychologically present. This type of loss happens when a loved one goes missing or off to war or kidnapped. They are physically gone, but emotionally still here. Both types of loss are incomplete and unresolved; mourning and grieving are not accessible because there is no closure amid constant uncertainty.
I think that many of us are feeling both types of ambiguous loss during the Coronavirus Pandemic. Physically our worlds have changed little. Most of us live in same our homes. Office and school buildings, shopping malls, museums, etc. are physically the same, but vacant and void of human interaction. There is no emotional presence. Our lives are physically similar, but emotionally absent. Graduations, wedding dates, vacation departure dates come and go unchanged, but the emotional joyful celebration is missing.
The “other” type of ambiguous loss, where one is physically gone but emotionally present, arises when we know our families and kids and grandkids are close by, but we cannot touch or hug them or have coffee together. The loss we feel for so many people who have died alone because their families could not be physically present. We pull away from a stranger walking past but smile and wish we could engage. That yearning we feel in a Zoom call that our connections are real, but we are physically separated and somehow less connected.
These are not typical feelings of grief or sadness. It is not like the death of a loved one—a specific event that we grieve and mourn and mark with ceremony and ritual. Rather ambiguous loss is a pervasive global sense of loss and a longing for our old lives and routines, but when, if ever, are our old lives coming back? How does one mourn the loss of these intangibles? We miss our freedom, going to the gym, meeting friends for dinner, going to work, and family gatherings. Our new world is full of challenges. Working from home, educating children, and worrying about food and getting sick. We are confused about what is safe and not safe. And some are worried about losing a job, paying the rent and putting food on the table. This type of loss is hard to describe, quantify and feel. There is no beginning or end to it. Which is why our traditional self-care strategies are not working. Now I know why my Zoom meetings are less fulfilling and I’ve lost my energy for cleaning another closet or trying a new recipe.
According to Dr. Boss, ambiguous loss is confusing and disorienting because there is no “closure.” Living in a “not knowing” space feels confusing and exhausting. I have been wondering why I am so tired all time. From Harvard Business Review, “If you’re feeling constantly exhausted right now, don’t be surprised. This is a common experience of grief… It does manifest in us feeling exhausted by the emotional drain of it.” I never knew how connected my energy level was with grief.
OK… now I can name the problem. Ambiguous loss. What do I do about it? Just naming the problem is helpful. Having conflicting feelings about loss is normal. I feel pulled between loving the extra time at home and anxious to have dinner out with friends. I appreciate what feels like a slower pace, but somehow, I am busier than ever. Ambiguous loss generates ambiguous emotions.
According to Dr. Boss, ambiguous loss is characterized by a lack of facts, conflicting advice, and little clarity about the future. It is not an individual pathology because the problem comes from the external world, not the individual psyche. It makes sense that family, group, or community interventions are more effective than individual therapy or methods. No wonder we all long for community and connection and at the same time, we find our electronic connections less than satisfying. Make time for meaningful human to human connections wherever you can safely engage. Use the opportunity to share feelings and concerns and gratitude. It is important not to isolate yourself.
Dr. Boss also emphasizes the importance of “finding meaning” during ambiguous loss. One way to do this and deal with the conflicting emotions, is to practice both-and thinking. For example, my old life is gone, and I have new routines and opportunities. Or schools may not open in September, and there will more creative opportunities for my children to learn. Avoid black and white thinking and make space for the alternatives. Another method for finding meaning is not to be too hard on yourself and remember the ways you are making this difficult situation work. What new things have you learned about yourself? In what ways are you and your family stronger and more resilient?
Those suffering from ambiguous loss often feel guilty about being safe and unharmed. These are natural reactions. Reaching out to others helps and makes us feel purposeful. One unique quality of this pandemic is that we are all grieving—you are not alone. And perhaps most importantly, be hopeful about the future. It will be different, and it could be exciting and transformational. Experience life in its fullness and complexity and know that time will bring perspective and hope for a better future. Look to the past for guidance to a wise future.