Together at Home

By: Kay Davidson

Mindfulness Strategies to Cope with Quarantine

During a conversation with a friend this morning I was struck by the challenges that can arise when you are in tight quarters with those people in your life whom you love the most or with whom you live —-families home-bound with kids out of school, partners quarantined together when each is accustomed to the being apart most of the day, elderly restricted in care facilities unable to have visitors. In a sense, we’ve been pressed into this place of greater intimacy with those in our immediate living space while at the same time denied the person-to-person contact with our circle of friends and co-workers. Our number of relationships shrinks while the intensity of a few relationships escalates.

And I was reminded of a fascinating study conducted a few years ago. A researcher assessed lab rats’ play before and after a small tuft of cat fur was placed in the rats’ playroom. In the four days prior to introducing the cat fur, the rats played an average of 50 times in the 5-minute sessions. After the cat fur was introduced, the play dropped to zero. It took three additional days for the rats to play again at all, and levels of play never returned to the pre-fur session. The authors concluded that these results revealed an inhibiting relationship between the behaviors triggered by positive emotions (excitement) versus the negative emotions (fear). When one system is activated, the other shrinks back. (Huff Post, 11/15/2016)

For many of us- the elderly and those who love someone over 60- this is a time when that tuft of fur has been dropped into our living space. And it includes those whose livelihoods have been interrupted or curtailed by the pandemic. What happens in our more intimate relationships when the element of fear enters an already limited  space? How are we to be with relationships that are doubly challenged by the strain of confinement and the element of fear? (There are other names for that fear besides the fear of falling ill or losing a loved one, including income uncertainty, unknown job security, fear of the unknown.)

So—

Take a moment to think of a situation in your past when you have been afraid; maybe awaiting a diagnosis or worrying because a loved one was very late in arriving home. Check in with your body. What does it feel like to be with that fear? Maybe you experience some physical sensations like tightness in the jaw or constriction in your chest or stomach. Or a heaviness all over. 

We ‘shrink’, contract, close up when afraid. And when we’re stressed. The part of our brain that excels at reason goes off-line and our choices about how to act become limited. We may want to strike out or disappear or just go blank. And then, if we reflect on how that contraction is likely to affect our relationships, especially when the constrained conditions are likely to last quite a while with no clear end point- we can sense that interactions may become tense and strained themselves.

Our fear is a natural biological response to this serious and real threat to our well-being. It is a fear that we share with our fellow human beings everywhere. So in this unusual set of external conditions, one of the most important things we can do for our well-being and for the well-being of those with whom we are quartered is to track our ‘within’ experience- to pay attention to this fear, to recognize it as it shows itself to us. A body scan meditation- available on the IWC web-site- or on many other apps- practiced daily will help familiarize you with the state of your physical condition. You can notice where you carry tension and whether that tension is staying about the same, receding or increasing.  It will also alert you to other changes in your body that might need attention, like signs of illness. And- it can let you know if you are feeling well- an experience we often miss but in this particular time, one that is especially worth savoring.

The reason this can be so helpful- along with briefer check-ins throughout the day (see: Mindful Pause) is that until we are aware that something is wrong, we can’t do anything about it. We have to first recognize an increased tightness, an increased sense of tension,  acknowledge it so that we can ask ourselves what we need to do to take care of ourselves. What does that tension need in order to soften? What can open a little more space around that constriction? Unless we track our own degree of distress, we can unwittingly bring it into our relationships through being less attuned to the other, more unavailable or closed off, more resistant or defensive when an issue arises. And in these trying circumstances, we face grim news every day, leaving us less cushioned emotionally. So we need to stay alert to ourselves- both for our own self-care and for the well-being of others.

A further suggestion to help keep your close relationships remaining on track: you might formulate intentions around being with the other person or persons sharing your space. Remind yourself daily of how you want to show up, relate, interact. Without expecting sainthood of yourself, you may simply aspire to be kind or to be a good listener or to give one compliment a day. 

These two simple practices are not offered as sure-fire means to address all the complex emotional reactions to this alarming pandemic. But they are simple enough, available enough, and suitable enough for all ages to give them a try. Why not? 

Besides, while so much else is awry in the world right now, it’s a good time to engage in our inner work. Being aware of how we are holding this ‘awry-ness’ in our bodies is a way to begin.

I love Mary Oliver’s line: Attention is the beginning of devotion. By giving consistent attention to our inner environment as we navigate these buffeting waters, we not only initiate a devotion to ourselves but we can also discover that we have a degree of agency at a time when we might feel so helpless:  we can create an atmosphere in the households we share with others that is more compassionate and caring.

Stay well everyone.